The Pope Goes on an ICE Ride-Along
NEWS | 30 April 2026
“Is this you inviting the pope on a ride-along?” Benny Johnson asked at a recent Turning Point USA event. “Yes,” Border Czar Tom Homan said. * Although they had removed the license plates from the popemobile, it was still pretty conspicuous, as far as modes of ICE transit went. In compliance with the spirit of the ride-along, the pope was wearing a face mask and full body armor, but in compliance with his role as pope, he was also wearing his tall, ceremonial miter and holding a ferula. “Is this really necessary?” the border czar said. “Yes,” said the pope. “You wanted to sit down and explain things to me. Here I am. For our ride-along. I have accepted your gracious invitation.” Grumbling, the border czar climbed into the popemobile. “Hungry?” the pope asked. He produced a CAVA bag from the depths of his robes. “I got us lunch to share. It is a CAVA bag with food in it. Just food, nothing else.” The border czar scowled. “I thought you weren’t making political commentary.” “It’s not a commentary,” the pope said. “It’s lunch.” “I thought it was a reference to the time undercover agents gave me a CAVA bag full of cash.” “Undercover agents gave you a CAVA bag full of cash?” the pope said. He made a face. “That’s several Hail Marys, at least.” They drove in silence. “I always wished the popemobile would play a little tune, like an ice-cream truck,” the pope said. He began to hum “Lacrimosa.” The border czar sighed. “What kind of Catholic are you?” “That’s what J. D. Vance said,” the pope replied. “I just think it’s terrible how he speaks about his wife. I guess I have to read his new book about faith that’s coming out. Who knows, maybe I will learn a lot. He seems to think he has a lot to teach me. Is it a left here?” The border czar nodded. “We’re going to do a routine arrest. You’re going to see the kind of thing we do. The kind of stress we’re under. Hopefully you’ll emerge from this with an appreciation of ICE.” The border czar had put an address into the popemobile’s GPS (Gloria Patri et filio et Spiritui Sancto) and soon they were approaching a school. Through the clear dome of the popemobile they could see parents dropping off their kids. “I know the president says I’m soft on crime,” the pope said, “but I hate to see anything that hurts a child. If we’re here to arrest someone so cruel and brazen that they’re targeting school kids and their families—” The border czar frowned and made some hand gestures at the ICE agents behind him. “Ooh!” the pope said. “Charades? I haven’t played charades in ages. We don’t actually play a lot of charades in the Holy See.” “Actually,” the border czar said. “Let’s go across town.” He cleared his throat. “Maybe a better start to the day.” They drove. The pope whistled. Someone’s stomach rumbled. “If you don’t like the CAVA luncheon,” the pope said, “let’s get tacos. It looks like this block with the restaurant is our next stop too.” He pulled the popemobile over. “That smells delicious. You know, Jesus made himself known in the breaking of bread.” “I’m familiar,” the border czar said. They went into the restaurant and sat down. The pope removed his mask to eat. The restaurant was relatively empty; they were served quickly. The pope blessed his food and ate with relish. The border czar picked at his. “Delicious!” the pope said. “What a feast! What a blessing. I’m really developing a backlog of feet to wash. Scrumptious. How blessed you are to be able to visit this place of business. I hope no one seeks to disrupt the labor of love that goes on here. Now, who were we arresting?” The border czar did not verbally acknowledge his remark. He was too busy punching a new address into the GPS. When they got back to the popemobile, one of the tires was punctured. The pope sighed. “There are many legitimate grievances to have with either of the institutions currently represented in this vehicle,” he said. “This is understandable. How do we fix it?” There was a brief deliberation among the ICE team; then the agents began shooting at the tires. This activated the popemobile’s alarm system, causing it to blow loud trumpet blasts and emit defensive sprays of holy water. “How do we shut it off?” the border czar asked. A small crowd was forming. The pope approached the popemobile. The sound ceased. “What are you doing? Blessing it?” “Nah,” the pope said. “There’s a button.” “I guess we can walk to our last stop,” the border czar said. “Great,” the pope said. “Do you mind if I recite a psalm?” They walked in silence. “You have to understand,” the border czar said, “open borders are not a victimless crime. You can’t have people just wander across a border. Imagine if that happened at the Vatican.” “That happens at the Vatican constantly,” the pope said. “Lots of people wander in by mistake. It’s called St. Peter’s Square.” The border czar frowned. “I just wish you’d stick to matters of, you know, morality, and stop criticizing President Trump and his policies.” “Don’t you hear how that is a contradiction in terms?” the pope said. “I was just trying to spread the gospel. Unfortunately, the gospel says a lot of stuff about, you know, loving thy neighbor as thyself—What you do unto the least of these, you have done also unto me; Be a good Samaritan—that kind of thing. So I feel it’s kind of unfair. It would be like a restaurant getting offended if I went around reading sections of the health code aloud.” “What about those other parts of the Bible that Pete Hegseth is always reading?” the border czar said. “That’s Pulp Fiction,” the pope said. “Look, no shade to Pete Hegseth, but he really believes in military crusades and, how do I put this, indulgence. Two things that the Catholic Church left behind centuries ago. You’re bringing back crusades, yet you don’t want to hear from the pope?” “I was hoping for more understanding, I guess,” the border czar said. “From one man in an overfunded, secretive institution that has covered up its share of abuses over the years, to another? Anyway, we’re coming up on an arrest. If you could gear up again.” “Sure,” the pope said. He pulled his mask back on. “Let me see if I can guess. He’s not definitely a criminal, but his associates seem criminal; he belongs to a religious group the state views with suspicion; works with his hands; name is Jesus or something.” “How’d you guess?” The pope shrugged. “I deal with a lot of guys like that in my line of work.” “Then you know what needs to happen to him.” “Yes,” the pope said. “As a matter of fact, I do.”
Author: Alexandra Petri.
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