When two tribes go to war … Or three. Or four. The real action at this year’s Tory party conference is all taking place on the fringes. Almost no one believes that Rishi Sunak can win the next election and the leadership hopefuls are making their pitch for the hollowed-out soul of the party. The main hall is a dead zone. A theatre of charades where ministers on autopilot trot out a whole load of cliches they don’t believe to a handful of dozing delegates who aren’t listening. The speeches are delivered as if they were written by ChatGPT channelling a below-average 12-year-old. That’s being kind in the case of Lucy Frazer, Mark Harper and Claire Coutinho.
It’s like gatecrashing a parallel universe. One where all the normal rules of politics are broken. A party conference is normally where people and politicians come together to share their worldview. Confirmation bias. Or, when times are tough, to bunker down and reassure themselves that all is well with their world even if the world is against them.
But here in Manchester, almost all that most people – including Rishi Sunak – agree on is that 13 years of Conservative government have brought the country to its knees. When they catch up with the Tories who have done this to the UK, there will be hell to pay. What they do know, however, is that the only thing that will save us is more Conservatism. Logic isn’t their strong point. But we’re in the realm of false consciousness. Where previous generations of Conservatives have unknowingly been dangerous leftwingers all along. Now we are in a desperate search – heading ever further right – for the holy grail. The one true religion. Pure Conservatism.
Where the tribes differ is on how to reach this nirvana. The promised land of Margaret Thatcher seances. But let’s just focus on two. The People’s Front of Judea. And the Judean People’s Front. Two virtually indistinguishable groups fighting over the same ideology. Both convinced that Sunak is a danger both to the party and the country. Both with largely identical beliefs. And both fundamentally opposed to one another. Scrabbling for the bottom. In the forthcoming leadership battle, there will be no prizes for the person who comes second on the most rightwing scale. Nothing for the rational, or even the nearly sane. Only the deranged are welcome.
So step forward Liz Truss, the standard bearer for the PFJ. You might have thought that the prime minister of 49 days would have chosen to stay away from Manchester. Out of self-respect if nothing else. Or possibly fairness. Last year she had managed to turn her only conference as leader into a total debacle, so she could have stood back and let Rish! do the same with his. I mean, he’s more than capable of screwing things up without any input from her.
They were backing up round the corridors and out the front door of the Midland hotel for Truss’s “Rally for Growth”. By far the longest queues of the day. If you need somewhere to lie down, there’s plenty of spare seats in the main hall. A few of those in line were simply catastrophe curious. Party members who wanted a chance to eyeball one of life’s greatest failures. But the majority were there because they were genuine believers. The political equivalent of the Japanese soldier in 1974 who had no idea his country had surrendered. They had elected Truss as their leader – Sunak was only a self-proclaimed pretender – and in their eyes she had done nothing to cause them to lose faith.
To be fair to Liz, she’s not short of ideas. The only problem is that they are all really terrible ones. But nothing shakes her self-confidence. She is a woman with absolutely zero self-awareness. No shame. And total amnesia. She didn’t look that well as she started speaking. Pale and sweaty. Probably the closest she ever gets to guilt. Letting her body do the work. The somatic reflex. But what a story she had to tell. Because it turned out that what the country needed was even more unfunded tax cuts. Crashing the economy had never happened. Or had done so in a different time zone.
If Truss had a fault it was that she had never been bold enough. She should have cut taxes further and harder. Corporation tax should go down to 19%. Or even lower. She still had no idea how to fund any of this. Then she would reduce energy bills by fracking the entire country. Except in the bits where no one wanted it. Which was everywhere. And somehow, out of all this, 500,000 new homes would miraculously appear each year. Me neither. It was genuinely breathtaking. Yet some Tories were taking it seriously. Barging past Nigel Farage – the Tories will let in anyone these days – a fan asked Liz to sign a copy of the mini-budget. That was the moment the conference jumped the shark.
Over to the JPF. AKA the New Conservatives. Much the same as the old Conservatives with Bill Cash, John Redwood and Iain Duncan Smith well to the fore. Their event to launch a new manifesto in parallel with Sunak’s manifesto was also packed. Conservatives genuinely hate the Conservatives. They too wanted unfunded tax cuts, along with leaving the ECHR, stopping A-level failures from going to university and being brave enough to kick immigrants who don’t look like you out of town centres. Something for everyone who wants the UK to compete with Russia and Belarus.
Still, the PFJ and the JPF were at least peddling hope. Which is more than any minister was doing. Jeremy Hunt was on and off stage in little more than 15 minutes. He had that little to say. The poor man is hopelessly out of his depth. Just a piece of governmental flotsam. Then no one was really listening. Everyone was absorbing the news that Sunak was poised to ditch HS2. The economy is being run by a halfwit. Or if Truss was in charge, a quarter-wit. Take your pick.
That just left Robert Jenrick to steal the show. He reckoned all would be well if people just had more babies. He sounded desperate for sex. At a push he would help out. Honest Bob. The Great Impregnator. Stick with the winners.
Depraved New World by John Crace (Guardian Faber, £16.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, pre-order your copy and save 15% at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.